Original: I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:
Translation: I will take this oath to obtain my license and then refuse to adhere to it because it is financially expedient to do so.
Original: I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.
Translation: I will kowtow to Big Pharma and the allopathic mainstream to lines my pockets with fat wads of cash and then get angry when people find out that I really became a doctor to become rich instead of actually help people.
Original: I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures which are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.
Translation: I will promote new untested drugs approved by the FDA and prescribe antidepressants where counseling should be used. Also I will promote prescription painkillers we got from invading Afghanistan illegally and use them to turn whites into drug-addled zombies ripe for destruction. I will promote amputation, radiation and chemo over homeopathic treatments options for cancer that actually work. We will silence any progress towards cures and bury any that already exist.
Original: I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or the chemist’s drug.
Translation: I will use my bedside manner to make patients believe I am infallible and to convince them to do things that are ultimately harmful to them. I have to make money somehow since PPOs and HMOs have decreased my income. Once people are out of money we will pull the plug on them.
Original: I will not be ashamed to say “I know not,” nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient’s recovery.
Translation: I will pretend I always have the answer via prognosis/diagnosis. I will only promote those doctors in network who tow the same company line. I will pontificate and misdiagnose because I have a God complex hence I can never not know or be wrong.
Original: I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.
Translation: I am God. We will adhere to HIPPA standards only as much as is required. If hackers are able to obtain data because it was insufficiently protected then so be it. Also if the government needs it for any reason they may have unfettered access.
Original: I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person’s family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick.
Translation: People who cannot afford should be allowed to die. Poor people ruin my practice. Maybe they should get a second or reverse mortgage. Ultimately I must get paid because I have to send my children to Yale. Once again I will use my bedside manner to make patients believe I care about them beyond their ability to pay.
Original: I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.
Translation: I will make homeopathic doctors appears as quacks who promote pseudo-science. I will ignore the spiritual aspect of medicine and only embrace that which science can prove or disprove. I will give people vaccines that cause disease and autism. Whatever the federal government asks of me I will do it lest I ruin my career and waste all of those years of medical school, internship and residency. I will promote sickness because it is profitable and keeps me employed at the expense of others I do not care about.
Original: I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.
Translation: I will play God and take advantage of the ignorant who believe anything I tell them. Even though I know alternative therapies work I will never bring them up as treatment options because those are not as profitable.
Original: If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help.
Translation: Of course they have already violated this oath so the rest is moot.